Expecting...

I am expecting my second child this thanksgiving. So far this pregnancy has been yet another reminder of my lack of control, my surrender to the workings of God and this child growing. I remember James this way, I remember his pregnancy as a turning point in my life and I feel I am a better person ever since the presence of him became known. I can’t describe the layers of pride that are stripped back by such a light in my life. And so... this next one. How do I welcome this again? How can I handle such a violent change in identity yet again?

I am more scared this time.

Maybe because I know what is coming, and I know how my heart will stretch and grow. Am I ready?

I recently saw this child on the screen of an ultrasound. I saw the legs curled up, those little toes. I saw the rib cage and the back bone, and a heart with 4 distinct chambers beating on and on like a promise. Arms stretching out over the head, hands opening and closing. I saw eyes, nose, mouth and ears, growing in their unique way into a face that I will kiss countless times in the months and years to come. I cried to see him/her for the first time. My two year old was upset to see me crying and almost started crying himself. If only I could tell him what a miracle he is, and how overwhelmed his mama is to witness such creation right here in her own womb.

This baby will not be perfect. No person is. But it is my child, a gift given to me by God himself. Woven together in my womb by a power so above my own that I bow down and worship this Creator.

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.
Psalm 139: 13-16 (new living translation)