Monday, May 11, 2009

A Son

I have a son. I’ve used the word only a few select times in public. I try it out at home every now and then to see how it sounds, before I fully incorporate it into my vocabulary. I remember feeling similar with the words “husband” and “wife”. I have a son. A son. It’s a big word.

Today James and I went to the grocery store by ourselves. This was made possible by the help of a pretty fancy sling that will probably become a staple. We went to Trader Joes. I figured James’ first grocery store should be a good one. We also went to the doctor this morning and by the time we got home in the afternoon I felt like I had accomplished enough for the whole week! It’s funny how my to do lists have changed. The other day I actually had “cut toe-nails” on my list.

My world feels smaller and slower and my heart... already, is softer.

James took his time revealing himself. I went into labor on a tuesday and didn’t have him until friday night. The story of his birth is a long one that I won’t go into detail about, I just know that God taught me many lessons in those few days of waiting for James, and in those last hours when I didn’t think I could endure one more contraction, and when I was certain I would never see my little ones face, I kept hearing in my head,

“Shall I bring to the point of birth and not give delivery?” - Isaiah 66:9

That moment when I first felt James on my chest was a good moment. One of the ones I think maybe I was made for. My mom was there, my husband, our doula/midwife, and a handful of hospital staff whose faces are blurry to me. The moments after James was delivered are all pretty blurry to me. I was exhausted, relieved, awe-struck, and overwhelmed. But I remember.

I remember seeing the smile on my husbands face as he softly said, “we have a son”
I remember hearing the first cry of the life that grew in my womb
feeling james’ hands wrap around my finger as I held him for the first time
I do not take these things for granted.
I know what a miracle it is, what a gift it is from God to give birth to a life.

I don’t exactly know how life is going to look for our new little family. We still have a lot of figuring out to do, a lot of unknowns. But something changed in me the minute James was born. Something calmed, something settled. Life will never be the same. I have a son!