I am a struggling believer. always. I look at those Christians who so vibrantly speak about the truth, and their energy inspires me. But I constantly lack the courage to follow them.
“Alli, Your song is on the radio charts!”
“Alli, you’re going to be on tour this fall with ____!”
“Alli, your song is going to be on so and so’s new record!”
That’s great, is what I’m thinking. I’ll believe it when I hear it myself, I’ll believe it when I’m on the bus, I’ll believe it when I get there. I can’t believe it now, too often it doesn’t happen and I can’t bear the small disappointments with the already heavy heart I carry around.
God! Why do you ask us to believe and not doubt when so often the things we are believing for fall apart?
Oh, I am heartily weary at living at a distance from thee. But I am too scared to get closer for fear that you will not come through. I have seen too many hopes turn to disillusions, too many prayers go unanswered. And I know you have your reasons. I know. You must have reasons.
But how can you ask me to live like I believe everything I pray for? You know that much of the time the flood waters rise anyway. So why should I believe that you will keep us dry?
“If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.” James 1:5-8
It does not say that we shouldn’t doubt because everything we ask will be given to us. It says we shouldn’t doubt because when we doubt we are like a wave on the sea. Tossed back and forth by the wind.
Is God more concerned with my strength than my happiness? More concerned with the stance of my heart and mind than with whether or not I receive what I ask?
When James cries I know he wants me to pick him up. That almost always solves the problem. And I LOVE holding him. But he will never learn to fall asleep on his own if I pick him up every time he fusses. He will never figure out how to reach out and grab a toy if I always put it in his hand for him. I am somehow loving him better by letting him fight for it. Even though all I want to do is satisfy his every need completely. The world he lives in will not be kind to a boy who gets everything he wants.
I want him to believe that when he cries I will comfort him. I want him to know I hear him crying. I always hear him crying. I would know that cry anywhere.