Monday, February 9, 2009

my thoughts to you

I haven't been blogging much cause all I can think to blog about are baby things. And I don't want to overwhelm you reading with baby things. But alas.... baby things.

Yesterday at church I realized that I've been talking to this child in my mind, as if since it is inside my body it can hear my thoughts. Would you call me crazy if I told you I actually thought the baby was affected by my thoughts? I won't go so far to say I think the baby can hear my thoughts, but I believe something must be happening in the spirit so this life can already sense joy and sadness, fear and anxiety. And I find myself very conscious of this during worship.

As the people around me stood, I sat and listened to the voices. They were singing:
Holy Holy Holy
Lord God Almighty
Early in the morning, our song shall rise to thee!

and I was thinking:
These are Gods Children singing together, baby! Do you hear the voices? These are His sons and daughters, like you. Do you hear it? Isn't it the most beautiful sound?

When I take communion:
This is Jesus, baby. This is his grace that I'm giving you right now. I know it's nothing you haven't already tasted, bread and juice, but this is different. One day I'll try to explain but the truth is, I don't really understand myself. Your mom has made mistakes, baby. And I will with you, I know. I'm sorry. Already, I'm sorry I can't be perfect for you. But this is my manna. I will show you what I mean. Lord help me show this child... this is grace, baby. this is grace you're tasting.

and when I feel him or her moving, when I see the rumbles underneath my skin... I have no thoughts. It is often the only time I have no inner monologue. No song lyrics rushing by like a river, no worries standing up like boulders, no ponderings floating along like leaves. I have no thoughts, I only feel.

I want you to keep moving, because when you move my world stops.


Ellen Wrede said...

Oh Alli...
I hope I'm a mom like you're going to be.

sharon said...

i did the same thing..."thinking" to my baby, knowing for sure she heard and understood. even now that she is here, no longer on the inside, i still feel that connection with her. it is truly unexplainable, but then again, you just did a beautiful job of explaining it! :)

Kris Hoskinson said...

alli you just made me cry!!!

Mom said...

Alli, this is absolutely beautiful.

Dave Zeman said...

I know why Christ loved children so much... they re-ignite the flames... even he needed to meditate and regenerate. I'm sure kids did the same for him as they do to me. I play music for Sunday school, and I'm kind of Mr. Dave... a guy that's willing to have fun, to teach, to stare at the pre-teens until they smile... It's the only thing that gets me up at 9:00 on a Sunday.

Have fun kid, your life will keep changing... enjoy the ride.

Becky Bartlett said...

alli- this was an absolutely beautiful post... made me all teary. Enjoy these precious dialogues with your child. You'll soon get to gaze into his/her eyes and speak these wonderful truths. :)

Anonymous said...


I love how you think and can put into words what I never can. I'm thinking of you as these last few months go by...and praying for you, baby and Kirk.

love em

Mike + Stacey Duncan said...

oh alli, this post moved me. i agree with the above comment - i love how you are able to put words into my thoughts, and your thoughts challenge and inspire me. it was really wonderful to get to see you when you were in dallas last week, and to get to meet kirk!